Sex Sells Easily? How About No...
Working in the "scarlet collar" (aka sex) industry means sharing the most intimate parts of yourself with complete strangers around the world...for money. Granted, there are some people that do it strictly for the exhibitionist/voyeur thrill but let's be honest here, I think it is safe to say the majority of people are in it to make money. Hell, I know I am...well, and maybe for a little bit of that exhibitionist naughtiness too. Raising a kid, running a farm, paying for a wedding and other adult crap is freaking expensive!
Everything you see leads you to believe that sex sells, easily. I'm here to tell you that's flat out bullshit! 😆 Nothing about this whole experience has been easy. From the get go you have to basically swear on the life of your first born that you are who/what you are claiming to be by submitting many forms of ID, paperwork and I think even jumping through a few literal hoops, thrown in for good measure. While I completely understand and appreciate the industry's dedicated diligence in fighting child pornography, I don't quite correlate that with sending a "natural" picture of myself, holding a piece of white (yes, that was specified) paper with the date hand written (specified) at the top in the middle, my username hand written in the middle, centered and a "code" word hand written in the middle at the bottom, along with my ID upside down in front of the same paper at the bottom left. Oh, and I couldn't smile in the picture either. The first one I sent was rejected because I smiled so I had to completely redo the whole setup since the date & "code" word changed. Again, given the nature of this work and the perceived anonymity that the world wide interwebs provides, I know the legal, moral and ethical ramifications that one little "Oops, my bad. Didn't know he/she was underage" could bring upon those that didn't follow due diligence & best practices. But damn, that's NOT the kind of pain in my ass I like!
After the hoop jumping validations, the next step was biting the bullet and clicking that "Start Broadcasting" button. I was nervously excited about the FIRST live cam show. I literally researched & planned for a couple of months before ever broadcasting for the first time. Would you guys like to know how much all that research & planning help? Safe to say, pretty damn close to ZERO. I wouldn't say that all that time was wasted but I will say that I can't recall a single thing I discovered in my research has helped so far.
Since the primary cam viewer is a straight male, the majority & most popular of the cam models are female. However you do have those that prefer everything from the more traditional male/female couple shows to those that desire the strictly male cams or the more "taboo" trans model cams. Well, that first time we clicked that button, we had no idea the world we were willingly throwing ourselves into. Nothing in my research prepared me for the onslaught of demands, some of them demeaning, that bombard you as a broadcaster. I sometimes get the feeling from certain viewers that due to the fact they tip you, they somehow believe that they own you or that you "owe" them something...and it doesn't matter if they tip a single token (that is valued at 5 cents FYI) or a hundred tokens. Some get angry or hateful if you aren't following THEIR orders constantly, even though there are other tipping for agreeable requests. I am torn as to what hits me hardest, the "tippers" that are doing it for egotistical control or the "greys" that have no way of tipping but still demand things from you and get hateful when you won't do it. I am so eternally thankful to have some of the best CB moderators out there. They take excellent care of the room. Yet, on the much better and more frequent side, you have the amazingly wonderful viewers that thoroughly enjoy spending that level of intimate time with you. It varies from show to show where those loyal regulars are driving me wild with their tips to being discovered by a viewer for the first time and they become loyal regulars. One of the biggest surprises that has come from this whole experience is the amount of actual friends that we have made. Many, many times, we enjoy the company and conversation just as much as we do the sexual component of the shows, even finding ourselves looking forward to "talking" to those friends when they come in during shows and discovering new viewers we can truly converse with. Some of my favorite viewers are loyal regular "greys" that lack the ability to tip but what they do offer means so much more...their unwavering support. The same goes for the loyal viewers that don't have the ability to tip all the time, every time. Just having those FRIENDS in the room makes a huge difference for me.
One of the biggest hurdles for me, personally, has been fighting my constantly low, often nonexistent, self-esteem and quieting the nonstop self-doubt that's also plagued me most of my life. I know I'm far from some hot, young thing that most men scramble to, however, I also know that when I was that hot, young thing, I was no where close to this comfortable with my sexuality. Not going to lie though, when those viewers on Chaturbate cruelly point out my flaws, it stings quite a bit. Part of me feels pissed because it's obviously their issue, not mine, then the other part of me thinks that they are validating my negative self-image thoughts, even if just for the moment. I also catch myself using these deep-rooted issues as reasons why a CB show didn't go so well or why my ManyVids items hardly get viewed, much less sold. Every show is different and I do let it get to me too much sometimes but I am so thankful I have my other half to turn to when it's been rough.
After all is said and done, one of the biggest struggles I've had so far boils down to more of a moral tug of war than anything. There are times I feel proud of taking on this challenge, proud of my sexuality, proud of not letting my negative body issues win but then there are other times when I get overwhelmed with the guilt that I'm pretty much pimping myself out to try and make ends meet. Growing up with the belief being drilled into me that anything sexual was only acceptable between a husband & wife and anything outside of marriage was, well, almost worse than murder, it's no surprise that I lacked a healthy view of sexuality. My natural curiosity was mostly met with avoidance, sometimes anger so I relied heavily on my peers, the encyclopedia and movies. Demonizing all things sexual not only lead to way too much misinformation from my peers (yeah, thanks Mandy! 😆), it caused me to try and suppress my curiosity, which eventually lead to extremely risky behavior. On the other hand, it did cause me to become a very much devoted student of sexual psychology. If I had the guts, I would probably become a sex therapist...but again, that whole "sex is evil/dirty" mental wall gets in the way.
Lastly, one of the most surprising challenges has been finding that delicate balance between how often we share our intimacy, our bodies, with our viewers and when we need to just be together, doing what we love for the benefit of no one but ourselves. We have said from the beginning that our relationship comes first, even though it can be tempting to shove everything else aside in pursuit of that much needed income. There have been times I have pushed myself too much doing the shows and once it ended, really paid the price physically and mentally. I try to be aware of what my body is telling me but that's really hard to do occasionally, especially during those shows that are on a roll. And there are those days that I just can't do it, I can't "perform" for any number of reasons. Sometimes it's due to my medications messing with me, sometimes it's because work kicked my ass and other days it's because life in general has kicked my ass. I pray that when these things happen, the fans understand that above all else, we are human too.
Until next time guys & dolls...may your world be filled with wonder & amazement every time you open your eyes.
Everything you see leads you to believe that sex sells, easily. I'm here to tell you that's flat out bullshit! 😆 Nothing about this whole experience has been easy. From the get go you have to basically swear on the life of your first born that you are who/what you are claiming to be by submitting many forms of ID, paperwork and I think even jumping through a few literal hoops, thrown in for good measure. While I completely understand and appreciate the industry's dedicated diligence in fighting child pornography, I don't quite correlate that with sending a "natural" picture of myself, holding a piece of white (yes, that was specified) paper with the date hand written (specified) at the top in the middle, my username hand written in the middle, centered and a "code" word hand written in the middle at the bottom, along with my ID upside down in front of the same paper at the bottom left. Oh, and I couldn't smile in the picture either. The first one I sent was rejected because I smiled so I had to completely redo the whole setup since the date & "code" word changed. Again, given the nature of this work and the perceived anonymity that the world wide interwebs provides, I know the legal, moral and ethical ramifications that one little "Oops, my bad. Didn't know he/she was underage" could bring upon those that didn't follow due diligence & best practices. But damn, that's NOT the kind of pain in my ass I like!
After the hoop jumping validations, the next step was biting the bullet and clicking that "Start Broadcasting" button. I was nervously excited about the FIRST live cam show. I literally researched & planned for a couple of months before ever broadcasting for the first time. Would you guys like to know how much all that research & planning help? Safe to say, pretty damn close to ZERO. I wouldn't say that all that time was wasted but I will say that I can't recall a single thing I discovered in my research has helped so far.
Since the primary cam viewer is a straight male, the majority & most popular of the cam models are female. However you do have those that prefer everything from the more traditional male/female couple shows to those that desire the strictly male cams or the more "taboo" trans model cams. Well, that first time we clicked that button, we had no idea the world we were willingly throwing ourselves into. Nothing in my research prepared me for the onslaught of demands, some of them demeaning, that bombard you as a broadcaster. I sometimes get the feeling from certain viewers that due to the fact they tip you, they somehow believe that they own you or that you "owe" them something...and it doesn't matter if they tip a single token (that is valued at 5 cents FYI) or a hundred tokens. Some get angry or hateful if you aren't following THEIR orders constantly, even though there are other tipping for agreeable requests. I am torn as to what hits me hardest, the "tippers" that are doing it for egotistical control or the "greys" that have no way of tipping but still demand things from you and get hateful when you won't do it. I am so eternally thankful to have some of the best CB moderators out there. They take excellent care of the room. Yet, on the much better and more frequent side, you have the amazingly wonderful viewers that thoroughly enjoy spending that level of intimate time with you. It varies from show to show where those loyal regulars are driving me wild with their tips to being discovered by a viewer for the first time and they become loyal regulars. One of the biggest surprises that has come from this whole experience is the amount of actual friends that we have made. Many, many times, we enjoy the company and conversation just as much as we do the sexual component of the shows, even finding ourselves looking forward to "talking" to those friends when they come in during shows and discovering new viewers we can truly converse with. Some of my favorite viewers are loyal regular "greys" that lack the ability to tip but what they do offer means so much more...their unwavering support. The same goes for the loyal viewers that don't have the ability to tip all the time, every time. Just having those FRIENDS in the room makes a huge difference for me.
One of the biggest hurdles for me, personally, has been fighting my constantly low, often nonexistent, self-esteem and quieting the nonstop self-doubt that's also plagued me most of my life. I know I'm far from some hot, young thing that most men scramble to, however, I also know that when I was that hot, young thing, I was no where close to this comfortable with my sexuality. Not going to lie though, when those viewers on Chaturbate cruelly point out my flaws, it stings quite a bit. Part of me feels pissed because it's obviously their issue, not mine, then the other part of me thinks that they are validating my negative self-image thoughts, even if just for the moment. I also catch myself using these deep-rooted issues as reasons why a CB show didn't go so well or why my ManyVids items hardly get viewed, much less sold. Every show is different and I do let it get to me too much sometimes but I am so thankful I have my other half to turn to when it's been rough.
After all is said and done, one of the biggest struggles I've had so far boils down to more of a moral tug of war than anything. There are times I feel proud of taking on this challenge, proud of my sexuality, proud of not letting my negative body issues win but then there are other times when I get overwhelmed with the guilt that I'm pretty much pimping myself out to try and make ends meet. Growing up with the belief being drilled into me that anything sexual was only acceptable between a husband & wife and anything outside of marriage was, well, almost worse than murder, it's no surprise that I lacked a healthy view of sexuality. My natural curiosity was mostly met with avoidance, sometimes anger so I relied heavily on my peers, the encyclopedia and movies. Demonizing all things sexual not only lead to way too much misinformation from my peers (yeah, thanks Mandy! 😆), it caused me to try and suppress my curiosity, which eventually lead to extremely risky behavior. On the other hand, it did cause me to become a very much devoted student of sexual psychology. If I had the guts, I would probably become a sex therapist...but again, that whole "sex is evil/dirty" mental wall gets in the way.
Lastly, one of the most surprising challenges has been finding that delicate balance between how often we share our intimacy, our bodies, with our viewers and when we need to just be together, doing what we love for the benefit of no one but ourselves. We have said from the beginning that our relationship comes first, even though it can be tempting to shove everything else aside in pursuit of that much needed income. There have been times I have pushed myself too much doing the shows and once it ended, really paid the price physically and mentally. I try to be aware of what my body is telling me but that's really hard to do occasionally, especially during those shows that are on a roll. And there are those days that I just can't do it, I can't "perform" for any number of reasons. Sometimes it's due to my medications messing with me, sometimes it's because work kicked my ass and other days it's because life in general has kicked my ass. I pray that when these things happen, the fans understand that above all else, we are human too.
Until next time guys & dolls...may your world be filled with wonder & amazement every time you open your eyes.
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